Chronic Loneliness (A Confession)

The death of Anna Nicole Smith is tragic. A woman in the public eye scrutinized at every turn. Granted, some of her scrutiny was asked for, as she was one of the few celebrities out there who are more notable for just being famous than anything else. She sought fame and found it. In looking at her life, the contrast between her earlier days of fame to the very end are like night and day. She seemed very tired and maybe fatigued. And tired, if not just of the celebrity limelight, but maybe of life itself.

I do not believe she suffered from anything that many Americans suffer from: Chronic loneliness. Many Americans, including myself, have suffered issues with "chronic loneliness." Though there can be many people around (sometimes family, sometimes friends, work associates, etc).....the "loneliness" is still there. It is kind of a detached feeling of not being able to really or be intimate with someone though you desire to be. Or a sense of just not ever feeling like you belong no matter what kind of social situation you are in. Or a sense of believing that no one truly understands what I am feeling. There can even be sexual relationships and a person can still remain very lonely.

It's hard to say what can set off such an illness. It could be a traumatic loss or it could be some other emotional trauma. Maybe genetic or maybe it is learned. The end result can be quite deadly. Chronic loneliness can lead to a sense of hopelessness. Hopelessness often carries with it depression. Depresssion can lead to suicide. But suicide is not the only way that leads to death. Depression, stress, etc can lead to all forms of physical break downs. And the "pain" then goes far beyond the emotional and into the physical. Drugs, alcohol, sex and other addictions are often born out of the illness as they are used to nullify the pain of the "loneliness." This world is full of plenty of things to get addicted to and "fill voids." The "voids" are only filled for what seems a "blink of an eye," however, in the whole scheme of things.

These kind of people are all over. I have experienced this illness most of my life. Though successful in many ways and even social I could never shake the illness. Married more than once and dated often. Sexual encounters too many to count. Although, for a large part of my life, I did not even know I was afflicted.

The emptiness in my soul remained a hole...a vacuum. Something I tried often to fill....but never quite did. And in the moments that I thought it might finally be filled......I discovered I was living an illusion that would always end..........and snap me back in the reality of the illness. Each betrayal and pain entrenched the illness even deeper. I could never love, though I thought it might be love. How many women have I thought I loved when actually I just didn't want to be alone? It was just a feeling that passed me from what I thought was light but back into darkness again. I have had moments of joy and laughter, but they are uaually quickly forgotten in the moments of the "lonely now". The "lonely now" can be a moment..........but a "moment" in which the clock doesn't seem to move. Imagine the emptiness of time standing still if you can.

Very few people, if any, actually ever knew I had it. I was either friendly and pleasant or quiet and shy. But there was rarely peace because there were too many moments of the "lonely now."

It is most often seen in celebrities from Marilyn Monroe, or the last days of Judy Garland, to the latest victim of Anna Nicole Smith. Life doesn't turn out the way we hoped. Or our dreams of what life should be turned out be just that: a dream. They may have found out "celebrity" didnt fill the void, as others find out their lives are not like we thought it should be or would be. Or that "God" is not what I thought He was. It's a terrible way to live a life because when it is realized you find out you never lived at all. You spend time trying to live a life that never came to be....and never will.. ......And it is a sad realization to look back at.

Realizing that if I would die, it is not likely no one would notice is a startling realization. By not being able to let anyone in, I also shut everyone out. And that is in the truest definition of the phrase "the sound of silence."

Do I want sympathy? Probably. Because it might mean someone understands. Will it help? I do not know. I have never had anyone care enough to understand or even want to understand. Normal people don't want abnormal friends. When one person pulls back while another tries to get close...it becomes abnormal.

The answer is........I don't know. I shouldn't end a negative observation without a positive answer. But until there's a part two to this artice....if there is a part two to this article.........the answer is....I don't know.