The Way I Heard It 01.16.07

.......[c]2007 by
Richard L Zorek

.........01.16.07............
The National Cancer Institute has reported that gum disease may increase a persons chance of getting pancreatic cancer. So, if you eat Wrigleys or Double Bubble, get it vaccinated first..........Barack Obama has filed paperwork to form an exploratory committee to see if he should run for president. With all that has been done so far, it will be hard to tell when the campaign really begins.......Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have moved to New Orleans with their son to form a jazz trio...... .............The Democratic lead Senate voted to shine more light on pet projects. The vote was 98-0, though it was not known if all 98 senators actually had pets and whether all those pets care if they have lights shined on them because some animals like to sleep in the dark............North Dakota farmer David Monson filed an application with the State Department of Agriculture to become the countries first licensed industrial hemp farmer. His ranch hands, Cheech and Chong, are said to be looking forward to the opportunity to cultivate the new agricultural commodity. At least that's the way I heard it..............

The Way I Heard It 01.13.07

.......[c]2007 by
Richard L Zorek

.........01.13.07............The Doomsday clock is going to be moved forward next week. Atomic scientists have kept the clock since about 1947. The Nuclear ambitions of Iran and North Korea, along with the feud between Rosie O Donnell and Donald Trump have brought about the need for the move forward...........................President Bush offered his new proposal for Iraq this week which involves sending more troops into Iraq to support the new Iraq army. "This will leave Rosie and Donald without support, but we have to set priorities," said Bush. ........................Actions by the Internal Revenue Service have successfully stopped the Golden Globes from handing out "Goody Bags" to "A" listers. The IRS then joyfully moved their doomday clock forward.....................Mike Tyson was arrested in Phoenix for drug possession. He then blamed the Pheonix Police Department for all the wars in history and bit some of their ears off. At least that's the way I heard it..

That's The Way I Heard It 01.11.07

.......[c]2007 by
Richard L Zorek

.........01.11.07............The US Postal Service has a new stamp issued yesterday. It's "Memorex," of course. And all this time you thought it was Ella Fitzgerald........President Bush in admitted that mistakes were made in Iraq. Democrats had been pressing him to admit there were mistakes. Now the Democrats want him to admit that his admission of mistakes is a mistake..............The House passed a federal minimum wage increase, raising it to $7.25 an hour. Majority Leader Steny Hoyer objected at first saying "We already make more than that." After it was explained that the laws they pass dont affect them, he, along with 314 members, voted for it........................Yvonne Decarlo died yesterday at age 84. She was better known to most of us as Lily Munster. See, I knew she wasn't really already dead in that show. At least that's the way I heard it...........

The Way I Heard It 01.07.07

......[c]2007 by
Richard L Zorek

.........01.07.07............Momofuku Ando, the creator of instant noodles has died in Tokyo. His body was prepared with water and boiled for one minute before burial...... ...........A tape was found in England which is appearing to be a recording of Jimi Hendrix performing the "Welsh National Anthem," recorded after his famous "Star Spangled Banner" performance at Woodstock. The French found one where he is doing "Le Marseillaise," the French National Anthem, and the Russians found one where he is doing "National Anthem of the Russian Federation." Nancy Pelosi found one in her own attic of him doing "I Am Woman.".................Sylvester Stallone has agreed to pay insurance premiums and wages for all illegal Mexicans in America. He said this after condemning actions to put a fence up between the US and Mexico saying "I support Mexicans who work in my country." He suggested he would donate all the profit off of Rocky Part 7, 8, 9 and 10. At least that's the way I heard it...........

The Way I Heard It 01.03.07

.......[c]2007 by
Richard L Zorek

.........01.03.07............The video that was shot of the Saddam Hussein hanging is considered so reprehensible and offensive that Fox, CNN, and MSNBC are playing it over and over again just to show how reprehensible and offensive it is. The convicted co-defendants in the case are to be hanged also as soon as a better filming device can be found so that Fox, MSNBC and CNN can show how reprehensible and offensive this hanging will be also..............The big stores are pushing excercise equipment now that the holiday season is over. Apparently everyone gained wieght over the holiday season whether you know it or not. Kathy Wolf has been excercising and selling equipment for two days on HSN and today she really looks good. But she looked good two days ago, also. People like her who don't need to lose weight are the ones who show the exercise equipment. Apparently HSN couldnt get Rosie O Donnell to make a guest appearance as she was busy considering who or what she could insult on the next episode of "The View".............Pat Robertson has announced that God told him there will be a mass killing in the United States in 2007 but God did not tell him which denomination they would be from so he wasn't sure if it was going to be a tragic loss or not. He said God told him it might be in a major city. Real estate agents report that people are trying to buy homes in Pat Robertsons neighborhood. Robertson's track record on predictions isn't 100% as he admits he has made some "error," though each time reporting that "God told me." That would make it Gods error and in Levitical law if a prophet prophesies falsely he or she is to be stoned. Robertson admits that he cannot find a big enough stone to throw at God.... .............TV Evangelist Darlene Bishop is being sued for reporting in a book that God had cured her brother of cancer. Her brother, who died from cancer, could not be reached for comment..................Reuters headline reads: "British teenager Sails into Atlantic Record Books." The teen was apparently trying to sail across the Atlantic Ocean but ran into this great big book......which ended his effort. "Luckily the book didn't close on me," he said, "or I would have been just a bookmark in history." At least that's the way I heard it........

The Way I Heard It 12.27.06

.......[c]2006 by
Richard L Zorek

.........12.27.06............
John Edwards has officially joined the presidential candidacy race. All the other stuff he did was not official. His campaign slogan is "Tomorrow Never Comes." He said it was "Tomorrow Begins Today" which means that there will never be a tomorrow because it is today and tomorrow will always be today, so tomorrow will never come. He helped work at a home that was being rebuilt because of Hurricane Katrina, then, as a true trial lawyer, looked for people to sue for building violations..................A piece of bent wood sold for $1.9 million at an auction and will remain in Canada. It was called "the worlds oldest hockey stick." I am announcing the sale of several worlds oldest baseball bats as soon as I can find a good old tree limb................Chevy Chase has also died at the age of 93. The famed comedian from Saturday Night Live was known for playing a very humorous portrayal of then President Gerald Ford. After his very short lived TV talk show, Chase would wander aimlessly calling his wife, Betty, and looking for people to pardon.................A Miami airport invites British Prime Minister Tony Blair to land, then turned out some ruwnay lights. An airway spokesman, and Monty Python fan, said he thought they would have a better sense of humor about it. At least that's the way I heard it.........

The Way I Heard It 12.23.06

......[c]2006 by
Richard L Zorek

.........12.23.06............
Dennis Linde, the writer of the 1972 hit for Elvis Presley, "Burning Love" has died. Or has he? Word has it that Elvis has been in hiding since 1977 and is ready to make his comeback appearance. He needs some songs written..................Bono will receive Knighthood from the British ambassador to Ireland. Apparently they liked U2's "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" album also. It is not known if Cher will attend the ceremony.................Zuzu Bailey is 66 and lives in Seattle. She has apparently been in hiding all these years because of informing mortals about "the angels" and the "bell ringing" thing in 1946........................................A Bakersfield man set himself on fire to protest a San Joaquin Valley school district from celebrating Christmas instead of winter break. His last words before the incident were "this ought to prove how sane my argument is!!!" The school district has considered celebrating Festivus but they couldn't get a Festivus Pole. At least that's the way I heard it...............

Offend No One? Yeah Right...it's Christmas

.......[c]2006 by
Richard L Zorek

.........12.21.06............Wyandotte High School in Kansas City, Kansas isn't puttting up a Christmas Tree this year. Instead it is called a "winter tree." (Even if it does look suspiciously like a Christmas tree). The kids want to sing gospel Christmas music, but Principal Walter Thompson said "they have too much religion. We wouldnt use that music even if it was allowed, because we dont want to offend anyone." "Too much religion?"....sounds like Thompson just offended a whole lot of people. "We don't want to offend anyone.." except the Christian and religious community which lives in the school district and has kids that go to the school. Get a clue, Thompson.